Jacques Review

When does fatherhood begin? Is it when the baby is born or while it is developing in the womb? It doesn’t matter. What truly matters is being present in the fullest sense of the word.

Father’s Day has come and gone. This year, it fell just over a month after my son’s first birthday. So, it’s my second Father’s Day with him in the outside world. There is so much to reflect upon regarding what has transpired so far. But I will limit these reflections to two areas where I’ve encountered challenges. This is fatherhood in 2023.

Time for Another One?
Before Apollos turned one, I was already fielding questions about the arrival of the next one. I found it peculiar that I was being asked this just as I was getting acquainted with the responsibilities of fatherhood. The journey had only just begun. My son wasn’t even walking yet, and individuals whom I could at best label as acquaintances were persistently asking me about a second child on an almost weekly basis. I managed to keep a cool head, despite the undercurrent of annoyance and the desire to respond with less than diplomatic words.

Most of the time, I responded by saying that I’m not currently considering another child. I believed I was making valid points by stating that another child would certainly require serious financial considerations. One would think that this would prompt these people to perhaps reconsider their line of questioning and focus their attention elsewhere. Alas, that was not the case.

I was subsequently accused of being selfish. This wasn’t the first time such an accusation had been thrown my way, especially in the context of having children. Once, I was told that my delay in becoming a parent was a sign of selfishness. I thought that those preoccupied with my personal life would be more concerned with my marital status. But, their expectations were directed elsewhere, expecting me to fulfill their plans for my life by fathering a child, regardless of whether I was married or not. The lack of specificity about the mother of this hypothetical child clearly signaled that their focus was solely on the act of parenthood.

Today, I occasionally encounter those who, out of touch with reality, base child-bearing decisions on an ill-conceived notion of selfishness. Needless to say, I don’t appreciate such criticism. Uninvolved in my marriage, they lack the insight to comment on our capacity or decision to have more children. There are plenty of couples who yearn to have children or add to their existing brood but are unable to. Others have tried and tragically failed. How do these critics know we don’t belong to one of these categories?

What these people have demonstrated is a lack of thoughtfulness. In a rather telling display, they are unwittingly revealing their indifference towards me. Regular exposure to such intrusive and thoughtless individuals can be mentally taxing and potentially corrosive to one’s peace of mind.

Depreciating the Experiences of New Parents
You’ve likely discerned my discontent surrounding the label of ‘selfish’ in relation to parenthood. As I articulate this frustration, I choose my words carefully to remain within the bounds of my comfort, consciously exerting control over the sentiments I express. I firmly believe that voicing justified sentiments doesn’t require one to abandon restraint and blurt out every fleeting thought. My aim is to drive home pertinent points without resorting to personal affronts.

There’s another dimension of my journey as a novice parent that warrants discussion. I’ve found that when I share my experiences with more seasoned parents, there’s an air of casual dismissal, as if these shared moments are of minimal consequence. I comprehend that their intent is to normalize my experience, but therein lies the issue. To me, my journey as a parent isn’t normal – it’s entirely new, entirely remarkable.

This isn’t an indictment of those individuals, but rather a personal reckoning, a crucial milestone in my intellectual evolution, underscoring the significance of validating the parenting experiences of others. Much like those who have successfully navigated the tumultuous seas of child-rearing, every day of my own parenting journey feels like a novel, awe-inspiring adventure. I struggle to articulate the profound wonder that engulfs me every time I look at Apollos – a wonder born not just from witnessing his phenomenal growth and development since I first cradled him in my arms, but also from the sheer reality of his existence.

His presence, which did not exist before, now permeates my world. It’s akin to inhabiting a constant state of flux. Yes, we can engage in philosophical discourse about the unceasingly transient nature of life, where each passing second etches lines of age onto us and the world around us. Each fleeting moment represents the anticipated future materialized in the present. Yet, observing this eternal dance of change in the context of another human being, for whom you are the primary caretaker, brings forth an indescribable vividness.

The challenge of expressing this experience lies in its inherent universality – its essence can be found mirrored in countless other events, experiences, and life itself. Despite this, my current parental journey has led me to perceive these shared threads of life through a uniquely different lens.

In the Final Analysis
Ultimately, these peripheral matters pale in comparison to what’s genuinely consequential. My paramount responsibility lies in maintaining my focus on providing a foundational framework(s) for Apollos—and potentially future children—to thrive to the best of their abilities. This includes navigating the irritations voiced by those around me with poise and patience. In a subsequent article, I’ll delineate the essential components of this parenting framework.

For my previous articles on fatherhood, see here and here.

Featured image by Jerry Jacques via Midjourney.